As a Dom, I found this a fascinating read. You seem to have hit the nail on the head with every single point you raise.
I used to struggle with being a 'nice' person and also being sexually dominant. I was caring, polite and respectful, a loving husband and father, a good friend, a hardworking and trustworthy employee, a pillar of the community and in my free time I enjoyed beating and humiliating women. It didn't sit comfortably.
Now I understand that it's all dependent on context. If beating and humiliating someone harms them and causes them distress, then it's very wrong. If it's done from a place of care, they want it and have consented, then it isn't wrong at all, quite the opposite.
Discretion is a big issue for me. I'm a family man whose movements are known by those around him. Indulging in kink involves the sort of operation you'd find in a spy novel. I have got used to having two sides to my life, but for me there is no overlap. I keep them completely separate and probably always will.
Getting started as a dominant is incredibly hard. If a submissive has little or no experience it gives them an innocence that will be prized by most Doms. But it feels like you can't get the experience of being dominant unless you are already capable and competent. And then you can't build that capability because you can't get the experience. I found going to submissive escorts was an excellent way of breaking this catch 22. I could be completely honest about my lack of experience and they were always incredibly understanding, supportive and generally delighted to be helping a newbie.
"The most powerful D/s relationships aren't about rescuing or fixing; they're about two whole people agreeing to a dynamic that enhances both."
Thank you for sharing. I resonated with so much of this.
That early conflict you described, being kind, respectful, loving, and yet feeling the urge to control, punish, or humiliate, is something I’ve heard many Dominants wrestle with. But as you said, when it comes from care, consent, and mutual desire, it becomes something beautiful, not harmful. Women like me crave that kind of expression when it’s wielded with presence, integrity and equality.
Starting out as a Dominant, especially later in life, can feel impossible. People expect you to be fully formed from day one, when even something like spanking is a deeply nuanced art form. That can’t be taught in an afternoon; it has to be felt over time.
In my own experiences, no two Dominants have ever been alike. Some keep it to the bedroom, others live high protocol 24/7, or some “12/7” version in between. Some avoid service; others thrive on it. Some prefer impact play; others use psychological dominance. There’s no single path; what matters most is confidence, not performance.
When a Dom second-guesses himself or tries to give a submissive what he thinks she wants, it becomes a kind of reverse-pleasing. She can’t feel his dominance if he’s performing rather than owning it.
Yes, submissives often have an easier start; there’s less pressure to arrive with a toolkit. But beyond the basics like safety, anatomy, and emotional responsibility, the rest is uniquely yours. Your style of dominance will evolve, and the right submissive will meet you there.
Trust yourself. Dominance doesn’t need to be perfect; it just needs to be real ❤️
Reverse-pleasing is definitely something I've struggled with. Society teaches us that to be a good, considerate person you should do what your partner wants, whether that be their preferred sexual position or going to their favourite restaurant.
But a lot of people find it hard to always know exactly what they want to do or to express it clearly, particularly if it's something of a more intimate nature. They don't necessarily want everything to be be placed on them, to be effectively deciding joint activities. Nor do they necessarily want to then feel indebted to their generous partner or to be expected to be completely happy and fulfilled because they've got everything they asked for.
Some people want the exact opposite. They want to let go of all responsibility, to be led by their partner and to know they are pleasing them. In this case, the considerate thing to do is to unlearn what society has taught you, to take the lead and have your desires and preferences met by your very eager submissive (within their limits of course).
It can feel uncomfortable at first and I think a lot of Doms will need reassurance and clear communication from their submissive that this is really what they want and need. As always, communication and authenticity are key.
As a Dom, I found this a fascinating read. You seem to have hit the nail on the head with every single point you raise.
I used to struggle with being a 'nice' person and also being sexually dominant. I was caring, polite and respectful, a loving husband and father, a good friend, a hardworking and trustworthy employee, a pillar of the community and in my free time I enjoyed beating and humiliating women. It didn't sit comfortably.
Now I understand that it's all dependent on context. If beating and humiliating someone harms them and causes them distress, then it's very wrong. If it's done from a place of care, they want it and have consented, then it isn't wrong at all, quite the opposite.
Discretion is a big issue for me. I'm a family man whose movements are known by those around him. Indulging in kink involves the sort of operation you'd find in a spy novel. I have got used to having two sides to my life, but for me there is no overlap. I keep them completely separate and probably always will.
Getting started as a dominant is incredibly hard. If a submissive has little or no experience it gives them an innocence that will be prized by most Doms. But it feels like you can't get the experience of being dominant unless you are already capable and competent. And then you can't build that capability because you can't get the experience. I found going to submissive escorts was an excellent way of breaking this catch 22. I could be completely honest about my lack of experience and they were always incredibly understanding, supportive and generally delighted to be helping a newbie.
"The most powerful D/s relationships aren't about rescuing or fixing; they're about two whole people agreeing to a dynamic that enhances both."
Precisely.
Thank you for sharing. I resonated with so much of this.
That early conflict you described, being kind, respectful, loving, and yet feeling the urge to control, punish, or humiliate, is something I’ve heard many Dominants wrestle with. But as you said, when it comes from care, consent, and mutual desire, it becomes something beautiful, not harmful. Women like me crave that kind of expression when it’s wielded with presence, integrity and equality.
Starting out as a Dominant, especially later in life, can feel impossible. People expect you to be fully formed from day one, when even something like spanking is a deeply nuanced art form. That can’t be taught in an afternoon; it has to be felt over time.
In my own experiences, no two Dominants have ever been alike. Some keep it to the bedroom, others live high protocol 24/7, or some “12/7” version in between. Some avoid service; others thrive on it. Some prefer impact play; others use psychological dominance. There’s no single path; what matters most is confidence, not performance.
When a Dom second-guesses himself or tries to give a submissive what he thinks she wants, it becomes a kind of reverse-pleasing. She can’t feel his dominance if he’s performing rather than owning it.
Yes, submissives often have an easier start; there’s less pressure to arrive with a toolkit. But beyond the basics like safety, anatomy, and emotional responsibility, the rest is uniquely yours. Your style of dominance will evolve, and the right submissive will meet you there.
Trust yourself. Dominance doesn’t need to be perfect; it just needs to be real ❤️
Reverse-pleasing is definitely something I've struggled with. Society teaches us that to be a good, considerate person you should do what your partner wants, whether that be their preferred sexual position or going to their favourite restaurant.
But a lot of people find it hard to always know exactly what they want to do or to express it clearly, particularly if it's something of a more intimate nature. They don't necessarily want everything to be be placed on them, to be effectively deciding joint activities. Nor do they necessarily want to then feel indebted to their generous partner or to be expected to be completely happy and fulfilled because they've got everything they asked for.
Some people want the exact opposite. They want to let go of all responsibility, to be led by their partner and to know they are pleasing them. In this case, the considerate thing to do is to unlearn what society has taught you, to take the lead and have your desires and preferences met by your very eager submissive (within their limits of course).
It can feel uncomfortable at first and I think a lot of Doms will need reassurance and clear communication from their submissive that this is really what they want and need. As always, communication and authenticity are key.