Kinky Dating: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
(Everything, Actually)
Kinky Dating: What Every Newbie Needs (Including a Good Excuse to Leave)
Navigating the world of kinky dating can be both nerve-racking and exciting, with its unique challenges and considerations. Whether you’re dipping your toes into BDSM for the first time or seeking tips for a smoother journey, this guide will help keep you safe, prepared, and confident as you explore your desires.
The Search for the One
It is often with nervous anticipation, we picture our upcoming date, hoping they’ll be the one, the kinky soulmate we’ve been searching for. We dream of the perfect Dom, sub, or kinkster, imagining someone who will seduce, devour, and consume us with just a glance. Naturally, we hope they look as good as, or even better than, their heavily filtered profile picture from a decade ago. You know, the one taken from that perfect angle where their hair was still intact and before the fateful run-in with the antique dresser, latex catsuit, and the nipple clamps... which, frankly, they’re still trying to explain.
Yet, as many of us have painfully learned, unless we’re incredibly lucky (or the exception to the rule), we often have to kiss quite a few frogs. If regular dating wasn’t already treacherous enough, kinky dating adds an extra layer of complexity. It’s like searching for a needle in a haystack twice, not just for a match, but for that rare spark of sexual compatibility, on top of a vanilla connection.
How often do our expectations of meeting a fierce, commanding presence morph into the surprise of encountering something entirely unexpected, and, well, a bit different…
23 Kinky Dating Tips
Codeword Safety System
Instead of relying solely on a safe call or message, establish a specific, incongruous secret codeword with your friend or trusted person. If this word isn’t included in your “everything’s fine” message, they should immediately call for help. This strategy ensures that even if you’re forced to make a safe call or SMS under duress, your backup knows you’re in trouble due to the absence of your codeword.
Restraints Rule
Never use bondage or restraints on a first date unless you're absolutely certain. If you must, opt for easily escapable options like scarves or ties, unless you know the person well or have solid references. Patience is a virtue; there’s no rush to dive into everything all at once. Trust is built over time.
Pre-Date Recon
Ease your pre-date nerves by familiarising yourself with the venue beforehand. Check the online menu to avoid awkward moments over food choices. Make sure you know the dress code, and unless you’re meeting at a kinky venue, leave the fetish gear and chunky collars at home.
Packing a Small Kit
It’s helpful to include a spare pair of pants, wet wipes, a small bottle of water, gum or mouth freshener, and a snack bar. You never know when you’ll need them, whether for a wardrobe malfunction, an unexpected sleepover, playtime, or just a quick refresh. Being prepared is always the best approach.
Ease Into Dynamics
Never jump straight into Dom/sub mode on a first date unless it’s pre-planned. Subs, remember that you hold power, and Dominants, understand that your partner didn’t automatically consent to submission. Both roles require mutual consent and should evolve naturally. Take your time to get to know each other before establishing dynamics in person. Healthy boundaries are sexy.
Guard Your Identity
Keep personal details, especially your surname, private on a first date. In the BDSM community, it’s considered impolite to ask for specifics like names, location, or occupation due to privacy concerns. Stick to a need-to-know basis until trust is established.
Be Sceptical of “Ethical” Labels
Just because someone claims to be an “ethical non-monogamist” or “ethical polyamorist” doesn’t mean they actually understand or practice ethical behaviour. It’s easy to label yourself, but actions speak louder than words. Approach these claims with caution, ethics aren’t just a tagline. After all, it’s not much different from claiming to be an ethical stalker or conscientious shoplifter.
Plan Your Exit Strategy
Have an exit plan ready. Whether it’s making plans afterwards or setting a time when you want to leave, having a strategy takes the pressure off. You can always change your mind and stay longer if things go well.
Know Your Limits
If play is on the table, have a prepared list (mentally or physically) of your limits, boundaries, medical conditions, tolerance levels, and likes/dislikes. This ensures that both you and your partner are on the same page and can have a safer, more enjoyable experience.
Build Genuine Connections
The more you share and get to know someone, the deeper and more meaningful your connection will be. Take your time to build trust and rapport before diving into play or deeper commitments.
People Can Be Deceptive
Remember, despite being wonderfully open, liberated and kinky, people can still lie, embellish, bend, or omit the truth. Stay alert and keep your wits about you. Trust is earned, not given freely.
Understand Dominance
Make sure your date understands that being Dominant isn’t just a personality trait; it’s a role that comes with responsibility and care. Don’t make the mistake of assuming someone knows what they’re doing just because they say they’re a Dom. Dominants aren’t elevated beings!
Establish a Safe-Word System
In very new connections, it’s advisable to decide on a safe word system before play begins. The traffic light system (red for stop, yellow for slow down, green for go) is popular, some people even use green to indicate enthusiastic consent. Also, have hand signals ready for situations where verbal communication might not be possible.
Put the Phone Away
Put your phone on silent, turn it upside down, and ignore it during your date. Using your phone in front of someone, especially on a first date, is rude and dismissive. Give your full attention to the person in front of you.
Practice Patience
Don’t rush the process. Good things take time, and in the world of kink, patience is key to building trust and ensuring that all parties are comfortable.
Polyamory Pitfalls
Poly dating can be a maze, who’s dating who now? Be careful not to put your foot in your mouth by making assumptions or stepping on toes. Clear communication is crucial.
Avoid Talking About The Ex
Whatever you do, don’t talk about your ex. It’s a surefire way to kill the mood and make your date uncomfortable. Keep the focus on the present and what you’re building together.
Bring Protection
Always bring protection, and don’t forget them for toys, too. Safety should never be an afterthought, regardless of your plans for the evening.
Watch Your Drinks
Keep an eye on your drinks and try not to leave them unattended. If you need to step away, like to the restroom, do so when your glass is empty or take it with you. Better safe than sorry.
You Don’t Owe Anything
Just because someone bought you dinner or drinks doesn’t mean you owe them anything in return. Consent is always required, and you should never feel pressured to do something you’re not comfortable with.
Meeting Strategies
Before the first meet, exchange numbers to call or text and establish which method you’ll use beforehand. Make sure your phone is fully charged or bring a battery pack. Relying only on email can be risky, especially in case of delays or mix-ups, like when three people show up all wearing the same outfit.
Holding something like a colourful umbrella, coffee flask, or distinctive bag can help narrow down possibilities in crowds. Meeting outside of a station, bus stop, venue, or foyer is usually clearer unless you have a specific table or seats booked. If you do, use a pseudonym.
Stay Hydrated and Keep Breath Fresh!
Always bring a small bottle of water or a hydrating drink to your date. Pre-date nerves can leave your mouth feeling like the Sahara Desert, dry, parched, and possibly hosting the ghost of last night's garlic bread. With fresh, superior breath, you’ll be ready to face your date with confidence (and maybe even land that second one).
Lastly: A Small Mirror Can Be A Lifesaver
Once, during a critical dinner with my then-paramour, we’d just emerged from a deeply emotional conversation. Things were finally softening between us, after hours of negotiation, truth-telling, laughter, and a few tears, when he leaned in and gently said, “You’ve got a big piece of lettuce stuck to your forehead.”
A mirror would’ve come in handy, not just for spotting things stuck to my head, but for those invisible moments that cling to us like spinach in our teeth. The kind we all notice, but are too polite to mention, secretly hoping the other person catches it themselves.
It reminds me of another time: I sneezed into my cappuccino without thinking, then spent the rest of the day out and about, getting noticed and thinking I must look hot, sexy, and totally put together. When I finally looked in the mirror at home, my entire face was dusted with chocolate powder, like some kind of caffeinated clown. A little mirror might have saved me from myself.
Embracing the Kinky Chaos
In the wild world of kinky dating, expectations often collide hilariously with reality. You might go in dreaming of a dashing lion and end up face-to-face with an unexpectedly clingy octopus. The truth? This journey is as unpredictable as it is exhilarating.
Embrace the quirks. Laugh at the surprises. And above all, enjoy the ride. Some of the best stories come from the dates that didn’t go as planned.
Here’s to the delightful chaos of chasing connection, whether it leads to true love, a memorable play partner, or just a really good story to share over drinks. The world of kink might be weird and wild, but it’s rarely ever boring.